My Story In My Own Words
Published Irish independent Nov 2014
Benji Bennett
As I ponder on the publication of a 7th book, the
5th to be nominated for the Irish Book Awards I find myself in a
fortunate position to have been blessed with life’s most precious gift, family
love. Being blessed with 4 wonderful children Adam, Harry, Robbie and Molly I
am also incredibly lucky to be married to Jackie, a most extraordinary woman
who has helped me to realize that, love laughter and fun in the family, is the
most powerful, dependable, and enduring force that protects the Human spirit from
obliteration when faced with adversity, fear, pain and loss.
However, acquiring this feeling of gratitude and contentment
has been hard fought and seemed an impossible dream 6 years ago. It was then
that our world imploded on itself when Adam, our 4 year old beautiful
golden-haired, brown eyed, giddy giggler was lost to us within hours of taking
ill with an undiagnosed brain tumor. As
dawn approached on, a balmy August morning, tranquility and peace transcended
the intensive care unit where Adam lay still for so many hours and Jackie and I
lay beside Adam cherishing what we knew to be out final moments with him. Just
as Adam had arrived into the world with a ray of morning sunshine kissing his
newborn head so too had he left us at dawn in loving silence surrounded by
adoring parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents. In a puff he was gone to his
cloud.
Shock, disbelief and denial were followed by desperate
attempts to wake myself up from a relentless and enduring nightmare from which
there was no escape. Squirming, clutching my stomach in a feeble attempt to
ease my gut wrenching pain I begged for relief as I sat broken, in all regard, on
the couch in my sisters house. Life was over, there was no air, the simple act
of drawing a breath became, panicked, claustrophobic and at times seemed
pointless.
Then out of nowhere came a moment, a simple moment of hope,
where I took a breath and realized it happened all by itself. This simple act
of being able to take a breath without consideration or being accompanied by an
entire respiratory system spasm you would usually associate with a child
recovering from the trauma of losing their favorite toy was a welcome relief from
an incessant battering of my mind, body, spirit and soul. As each day, week and
month went by these moments became more frequent and endured for longer. Like a
tide covering the sand on the shore, so to, did these unexplained moments of
relief cover my pain even if only for a brief moment.
As time progressed this new tide of tranquility, to which I
had become so dependent, seemed to come and go without fuss like small waves
lapping gently upon the shore on a humid summer’s morning. This would become a new
friend who would gently come to ease my pain and peacefully tend to my deep
wounds that were showing signs of beginning to heal.
With Jackie’s strength, love and outlook on life and the
responsibility to save the magic of Harrys childhood and his incredible
strength I Know something had to be done to save what we had rebuild our lives
in an attempt to create a life without Adam.
It is only now as I reflect on my journey that that I
realize that there was a commanding driving force powering this emotional tide
that gave me moments of peace. The epicenter of this force was of course Adam’s
Message of love laughter and play in the family. But without the love, strength
and support of my most courageous wife, Jackie, the prospect of a new life with
a baby on the way and my responsibility, as a dad, to Harry, the bravest one who
had lost his best friend I would never have had the will to get up in the morning,
let alone embark on a crusade to immortalize Adam and deliver his message.
As my confidence began to grow so too did my passion and
armed with a simple message to encourage parents to have more fun with their
kids, create magical moments and constantly tell them they are loved my first
book was conceived. Safely backed up on crumpled pieces of paper that were
constantly stuffed in my pocket I shared my various drafts and updates with
anyone who cared to listen. As I showed my scraps of paper concerned looking
family and friends the reaction naturally enough was very positive. In fairness
who was going to tell me that my book was a pile of dribble when they were
confronted by a person who had a sorry excuse for a scruffy beard, wore his
jumper inside out and back to front and looked like they were going to burst
into tears if you simply asked them if they wanted a cup of tea. Yes a very
positive reaction indeed.
Then came the idea of publishing the book myself and that’s
when my family began to worry about my sanity. Mad as it would seem there was
no plan expectations or rational to my project.
Guided by his simple message and philosophy every decision
and action taken was driven by a burning ambition to write and publish a book
in memory of Adam that would be filled with everything beautiful, innocent and
fun about him in the hope that parents would share in his magic. The prospect
of a parent snuggled up under the duvet and expressing their affection for
their children would prove to be a wonderful legacy for Adam and something to
get me concentrate on.
As Jackie discovered we were to have a another baby on the
day we collected Adams Ashes we knew there’re was a very clear sign that he
would take care of us and would guide us to do the right thing. T
After a frustrating and fruitless search for an illustrator
I happened to catch a glimpse of a colorful book in a shop window and written
on the front were the words Illustrated by Cartoon Saloon. With a weakness of
remembering things at the best of times I thought it an easy name to remember
and got in touch with them that same afternoon. After preparing a very long
brief a then unsuspecting Roxanne was appointed illustrator without knowing
anything about Adam. As the brief hit her desk se immediately felt the magic
and wonder of Adam and his message and became emotionally engaged with Adam and
his message.
As the draft illustrations began to arrive in my emotions,
as well as Jackie’s, began to get out of control. To see new images of Adam coming
to life through the illustrations and having so much fun brought on powerful waves
of emotions that were uncontrollable. In a strange way the tears were not as
painful as the ones I had become accustomed but were instead wonderfully
soothing, calming and sprinkled with sense of happiness. As the illustrations
came in our need to get updates more frequently intensified and reached an
addictive frenzy until Roxanne had completed them all.
Now all the production work done the next decision was how
many books to print. This is the point where ignorance is bliss I hadn’t a clue
so to keep my unit costs down I printed 10,000 copies. Considering only 350
copies sold in one week can potentially see your book hit number the quantity I
printed just seemed to be, and I’ll put it mildly absolutely off the scale
insane. I had no PR no Publisher and no one knew who I was. The commercial
business case was even worse than Anglo’s. It seemed inevitable that every
member of my family would have to buy 500 copies each and stuff them in the
toilet under the stairs. In an odd way I never had any doubts that the book
would sell as Adam was on side and after 3 key interviews on Ireland AM, Ryan Tubridy
and the Irish independent word got out and people began to buy Before you Sleep
and enjoyed the experience of reading it to their kids who loved being told
they were loved in a book. Within 6 weeks I was back to the printer for the
second print run and sales have kept growing ever since.
The following April 9 months after it first appeared Before
you Sleep won book of the year at the Irish book awards in the company of mu
family to astonishment and amazement. As my name was called my immediate
thought was towards Adam and the excitement of winning was somewhat dampened as
I was quickly ushered up to accept my award and make a speech. But all I wanted
to do was crawl under the table and scream Adams name and tell him I did it all
for him. Even though I received a standing ovation from a room of highly
acclaimed writers and professionals I still feel a little bit cheated that I
could not have had a longer moment under that table with Adam After all here
picked me to be his dad on the day he was born to deliver his message.
Adam you’re a good boy and we all love you very much and
thank you for the gift of your message and your stories.
This year marks Benji’s 5th nomination for the
Irish book awards for his new book When you were Born which is also available
in selected Dunnes Stores as well as bookshops nationwide. PS We Wo
n!
